How to help yourself not only to fix your own life here and now, but also to get out of the "circle of horrors".
During the last month of the operation of the "Expio" medical center, many women who have been traumatized by domestic violence have turned to our specialists, in many cases, the abusers are foreign men. Unfortunately, as a rule, abusive relationships end up with people who experienced similar things in childhood and came out of those circumstances traumatized, because then the resources (psychological, mental, physical) were not enough to overcome the troubles. In addition, this situation is reinforced from the negative side by the drama of the situation of Ukrainian women who were forced to leave the territories of hostilities and do not always have reliable support.
Ias a rule, domestic abuse is veiled. Clear examples of such "veiled" domestic violence are gaslighting and neglect. Further…
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation, the purpose of which is to make the victim doubt the adequacy of his perception of the surrounding reality, questioning his own memory and sanity. The aggressor seeks to bring the victim out of balance, and then shift the blame for the fact that he threw a tantrum again. In their reproaches, in order to make the pain more painful, aggressors, as a rule, appeal to the fact that a person is unable to change - to age, gender, origin, physiological characteristics.
There are 6 main signs of gaslighting:
- denial of the facts that happened ("You thought it. Everything is not as it seems to you")
- denial of the adequacy of emotions ("You need to see a doctor because you are inadequate")
- ascertaining the fact of your inadequacy
- devaluing your successes
- transfer of responsibility
- replacement of concepts
NEGLECT OR INACTION KILLS
In contrast to gaslighting, which involves active action to remove from psychological and physical balance, negligence is inaction, a form of psychological violence in the form of disregard for the needs, interests and personality of the victim. Neglect differs from accidental mistakes or healthy boundary protection by the following features:
- systematic neglect of duties: conscious ignoring of requests and failure to satisfy the vital needs of a person dependent on the neglector, occur constantly and appear to be the norm;
- by causing real harm or damage to the victim: the neglector every time worsens the physical or psychological health of the dependent person, increases his economic lack of freedom, destroys social ties, etc.;
- shifting the focus of responsibility: the neglector does not admit his guilt in what is happening, shifting it to others or the victim himself.
There are several forms of this phenomenon:
- physical neglect – leaving a dependent person in a situation of real danger (for example, if parents who live with a small child regularly forget to close the windows in an apartment on the sixteenth floor);
- emotional neglect – ignoring the emotional needs of an addicted person (for example, when a doctor refuses to provide a woman in labor with privacy during an examination and conducts the procedure in a fully open office);
- medical negligence – insufficient provision of the dependent person with medical care, prevention and treatment of diseases (for example, if adult children do not buy their parents – bedridden patients – prescribed medicines);
- neglect in the field of psychological health - systematic failure to follow the recommendations of a psychologist or psychotherapist working with a child or an adult who are in a vulnerable situation (for example, when a grandmother, coming to visit a grandson who suffers from hyperactivity, regularly shames and scolds the child, offering parents to "re-educate" him with the help of manipulation);
- neglect of education - overt or covert obstruction of the dependent person's education (for example, if the father of a small child categorically forbids the wife to invite a nanny to take advanced training courses to restore skills after maternity leave).
HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF?
First of all, remember that any case of violence against you should be reported to the law enforcement authorities. If you do not have the opportunity to tell your friends about the violence, you can always contact the hotline 1547, 0 800 500 335 or 116 123 from any phone throughout Ukraine. The line is free, anonymous and confidential.
Most often, neglect and gaslighting can be classified as psychological, economic, and sometimes physical violence. According to Article 173-2, a person who commits negligence or gaslighting faces a fine in the form of 10-20 tax-free minimum income of citizens or public works and a term of 30 to 40 hours. Also, administrative arrest for a period of up to 7 days may be applied.
When protecting yourself from these subspecies of domestic violence, remember: the fewer "leverages" the partner has and the more equal (not only in words, but also in the real distribution of resources and responsibilities) the relationship is, the less likely it is to develop neglect and gaslighting . However, the most important resource is social connections (if you are abroad, this is very important), which allow you to get an objective assessment of the situation and, if necessary, the necessary help. A supportive family, friends and professional community can become a "bridge" for accumulating "assets" and leaving a violent relationship. Especially today, during the war of the Russian Federation against Ukraine, do not neglect the free qualified help of specialists from public organizations. Find out and take advantage of the opportunities.
It is worth remembering that asking for and accepting help is not shameful, but absolutely normal - just like "taking out the garbage from the house", trying to understand what is happening in the relationship with a partner.
Specialists of the "Expio" clinic provide professional psychotherapeutic (healing) and psychological services. We COMPLETELY help a person who has suffered from abuse to stabilize emotionally, to find the resources to move through life, to "rewrite" a traumatic experience, to feel who she really is, without the distortion that she had to go through a certain number of times in her life.
On our website, you can familiarize yourself with the list of services, and you can specify the details of the individual program by phone.
Source: the project "Combating the outbreak of domestic violence in local communities", which is implemented by the "All-Ukrainian Coalition for the Provision of Legal Aid" with the assistance of the Canadian Foundation for the Support of Local Initiatives.
Shaposhnyk-Dominska Darya, Ph.D., clinical psychologist of the "Expio" medical center