How to help yourself not only to improve your own life here and now, but also to get out of the "circle of horrors".

Over the past month of the Expio Medical Center's work, our specialists have been treated by many women who have been traumatized by domestic violence, in many cases by foreign men. Unfortunately, as a rule, people who experienced similar things in childhood and came out of those circumstances traumatized, because then there were not enough resources (psychological, mental, physical) to overcome the adversity. This situation is further exacerbated by the dramatic situation of Ukrainian women who have been forced to leave the war zone and do not always have reliable support.  

Яs a rule, domestic abuse is disguised. Vivid examples of such "veiled" domestic violence are gaslighting and neglect. Next...

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that aims to make the victim doubt the adequacy of their perception of reality by questioning their own memory and sanity. The aggressor seeks to throw the victim off balance, and then shift the blame for the victim's throwing another tantrum onto him or her. In their reproaches, in order to hurt more, aggressors usually appeal to what a person cannot change - age, gender, origin, physiological characteristics.

There are 6 main features of gaslighting:

• denial of the facts that have occurred ("You imagined it. Everything is not as it seems to you")
• denial of the adequacy of emotions ("You need to see a doctor because you are inadequate")
• stating the fact of your inadequacy
• devaluation of your successes
• shifting responsibility
• substitution of concepts

NEGLECT, OR INACTION KILLS

In contrast to gaslighting, which involves an active action to bring the victim out of psychological and physical balance, neglect is inaction, a form of psychological violence in the form of disregard for the needs, interests and personality of the victim. Neglect is distinguished from accidental mistakes or healthy border defense by the following features:

• systematic neglect of duties: deliberate ignoring of requests and failure to meet the vital needs of a person dependent on a non-hector is a regular occurrence and is considered the norm;
• causing real harm or damage to the victim: every time a neglector worsens the physical or psychological health of the addict, increases their economic unfreedom, destroys social ties, etc;
• shifting the focus of responsibility: the perpetrator does not admit his/her guilt in what is happening, shifting it to others or the victim.

There are several forms of this phenomenon:

• physical neglect - leaving a dependent person in a situation of real danger (for example, if parents living with a small child regularly forget to close the windows in an apartment on the sixteenth floor);
• emotional neglect - ignoring the emotional needs of a dependent person (for example, when a doctor refuses to provide privacy to a woman in labor during an examination and performs the procedure in an open office);
• medical neglect - insufficient provision of medical care, prevention and treatment of diseases to a dependent person (for example, if adult children do not buy prescribed medications for their parents who are bedridden);
• neglect in the field of psychological health is a systematic failure to follow the recommendations of a psychologist or psychotherapist working with a child or adult in a vulnerable situation (for example, when a grandmother, when visiting her grandson who suffers from hyperactivity, regularly shames and scolds the child, suggesting that the parents "re-educate" him with the help of physical violence);
• Neglect of education - an explicit or implicit obstruction of the dependent person's education (for example, if the father of a small child categorically forbids his wife to invite a nanny to take a refresher course to restore skills after maternity leave).

HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF?

First of all, remember that any case of violence against you should be reported to law enforcement agencies. If you are unable to tell your friends about the violence, you can always call the hotline 1547, 0 800 500 335 or 116 123 from any phone throughout Ukraine. The line is free, anonymous and confidential. 

Most often, neglect and gaslighting can be attributed to psychological, economic, and sometimes physical violence. According to Art. 173-2, a person who commits neglect or gaslighting faces a fine of 10-20 tax-free minimum incomes or community service and a term of 30 to 40 hours. Administrative arrest for up to 7 days may also be imposed.

When protecting yourself from these types of domestic violence, remember: the less "leverage" your partner has and the more equal (not only in words, but also in the actual distribution of resources and responsibilities) the relationship is, the less likely it is to develop neglect and gaslighting. However, the most important resource is social connections (if you are abroad, this is extremely important), which allow you to get an objective assessment of the situation and, if necessary, the necessary help. Supportive family, friends, and professional community can become a "bridge" for accumulating "assets" and getting out of violent relationships. Especially today, in the time of Russia's war against Ukraine, do not neglect the free qualified assistance of specialists from public organizations. Learn and use the opportunities. 

It's worth remembering that asking for and accepting help is not a shame, but absolutely normal, just like "taking the garbage out of the house" when trying to figure out what's going on in your relationship with your partner. 

Expio clinic specialists provide professional psychotherapeutic (medical) and psychological services. We COMPREHENSIVELY help a person who has suffered from abuse to emotionally stabilize, find the resource to move through life, "rewrite" the traumatic experience, and feel like the person they really are, without the distortion they have experienced a certain number of times in their lives.

On our website, you can find a list of services, and specify the details of an individual program by phone. 

Source: The project "Countering the Outbreak of Domestic Violence in Local Communities", implemented by the All-Ukrainian Coalition for Legal Aid with the support of the Canadian Foundation for Local Initiatives.

Daria Shaposhnyk-Dominska, PhD, clinical psychologist at the Expio Medical Center